My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
