God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
