I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
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My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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