The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
