Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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