Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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