remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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