you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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