so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
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So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
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If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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