Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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