I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
