Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
