i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
