Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
