went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
