I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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