What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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