all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
