It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
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I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
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I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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