Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
