I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
