I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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