You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
