dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
