What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
