It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
