It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
my poor anus
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
