I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
