420 ftw
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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