i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
