I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Randomize
