would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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