I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
