Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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