My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
pray to the hookup gods
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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