I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
