all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Someone came in the potted fern
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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