I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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