woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
