This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
