im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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