Got a toothbrush?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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