My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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