I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
