Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
