Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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