He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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