She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
