Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
