I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
