I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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