High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
