so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
