How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I want a musical about memes.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
