nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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