This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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