I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
