Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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