we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
