Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
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I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
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this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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