Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
