Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
