If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just took my morning after pill in the library
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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