I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
