come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
